So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?"
He said "OK then"
I said "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.
I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.
I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything.
Trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose
and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for A-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite... one jar.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins.
I thought "That's a turtle disaster"